Deadbeat Dad Jokes
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BY MARK REMY
What's ET short for? Because he's only got tiny legs! Speaking of which: I’m a little short this month—I know! Just listen!—but this guy owes me some money and I have a second interview with Sunglass Hut, so give me a break, will ya?
Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe, and also because they’re dumb enough to think their wives won’t cheat on them the first chance they get, then ask for a divorce and full custody of the kids, and on top of that have the nerve to ask for child support—and get it—even though she’s practically moved in with Mr. Second Home in Vail and everyone knows it.
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired. Which reminds me: I heard you’re riding without training wheels now. Great! David taught you, huh? Cool. He sounds like a great guy, that David. Hey, listen, does David sleep over sometimes? Like, you see him at breakfast?
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish, ha ha! But seriously, I’ve been living on ramen and tuna for the past month and I swear that if I had the money I’d give it to you. But I don’t. I just don’t. Also I’m sorry I can’t make it to your birthday party.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it. Same as your mom, when it comes to hiding cash and savings bonds and great-grandma’s jewelry so she can plead poverty. I mean, even she has probably forgotten about half the shit she has squirreled away.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field. And why shouldn’t he be? He doesn’t have an ex-wife bleeding him dry when she’s perfectly capable of working.
Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it, unlike some other people I could mention who can’t keep their damn mouths shut. Such as whoever decided to inform a certain person that her ex-husband was snowboarding on their kid’s birthday when he’d said he was busy that day.
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it. And you know what? There used to be lots of jobs I couldn’t see myself doing, either. But that was before I lost my house and my car and half my life’s savings—and then still had to scrounge up hundreds of bucks a month for the privilege of having someone else raise my kid. Now I work my ass off, and still can’t make ends meet. Blood from a turnip, man.
Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it! Still working on your birthday present, too, buddy. Sorry. I’ll get it to you next weekend, OK? I mean it this time. We’ll have dinner at McDonald’s too. You still like McDonald’s, right?
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent. All kidding aside, though, I could have sworn you were in fourth grade. You’re really in fifth? Jesus.
I know a lot of jokes about retired people but none of them work. You know what else doesn’t work? The system. The whole goddamn system. Not when a woman can bang every Tom, Dick, and Harry who waltzes through her life, then leave her husband over one little indiscretion at an office party, then persuade a judge, who she’s probably also banging, to order $550 a month in child support, most of which is definitely going up her nose. Also, at the rate I’m going, you know when I’ll be able to retire? Never. That’s when. Anyway, happy belated birthday. Here’s a Sunglass Hut gift card