Mr. President, How Do You Respond?

Do I believe Mr. Wolf is going around blowing houses down? I don’t know. I don’t think anybody knows. If you look at who’s making these accusations, they’re mostly pigs. But, I mean, look—can wolves even do that? Are they even capable? This is what everyone is asking. And no one knows. Nobody knows!

I will say this: I’ve heard many arguments, on both sides.

I spoke with Mr. Wolf, by the way, had a very frank conversation. I was very tough with him. And he firmly denies it. I asked him twice, actually. He denied it both times. Straight-up denials. Meanwhile, his reputation is ruined. Forever. It’s really a shameful, disgusting thing.

But the houses, the disappearance of these pigs… It’s terrible. We will get to the bottom of it, I promise you that.

* * *

Did the devil go down to Georgia? I don’t know. People are claiming that, but I haven’t seen any proof. No proof. None. But people are going crazy. “Oh! Oh! The devil! He went to Georgia! Looking for a soul to steal!” People have become absolutely unhinged. It’s crazy.

I will tell you, I spoke with the devil. Very recently. And I brought this up. I asked him: “Did you go down to Georgia, looking for a soul to steal?” He denied it, point blank. So there you go.

I do find it interesting that this question is coming up now, by the way. I will say that. Interesting. Very interesting timing.

Anyway, we’ll see what happens. But yes. The devil denies it.

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I’ve read the reports about a surprise aerial attack on Pearl Harbor, but I’m not going to speculate on who was or wasn’t behind it. There are lots of theories. Could have been a rogue naval fleet. Could have been a 400-pound guy on Guam. Could have been a lot of people.

Look, in this country we have something called due process, OK? Remember that? Due process? We used to have that, anyway. So, no rush to judgment. We’ll be taking a very careful look at this.

I will say this: If Japan was responsible, I will be very unhappy. Very, very unhappy. And the consequences will be severe.

We will get to the bottom of this, I promise you.

* * *

Do I think Darth Vader struck down Obi-Wan Kenobi? He says he didn’t. He’s been very clear on that point. We had a terrific phone call recently, by the way—I talk with the Dark Lord of the Sith a few times a week—and I asked him point blank: “Darth, did you do this?” He said, “No, absolutely not.”

Now, if it turns out that he did kill a Jedi master—and by the way, remember that Obi-Wan is now more powerful than ever, OK? He’s never been as powerful as he is now, he should be happy, actually—but even so, if Darth did do this horrible act, and it is a horrible, horrible thing that’s happened, the U.S. will take very harsh actions.

One thing we will not be doing is canceling our TIE fighter and laser cannon contract with the Empire, because that would only hurt us. Only us. Wouldn’t affect the Empire. They’d get these ships and lasers from someone else, and the U.S. would be out billions of galactic credits. So, no to that.

But our actions will be very harsh, believe me. If this terrible thing is ever proved.

We’re taking a very careful look at it.

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Are we not just undermining political and social norms with our relentless and malicious dishonesty, but corroding the very notion of truth itself, in ways that may take decades to repair? Some people are saying that. Some. Mostly pigs. Everyone I’ve talked to denies it. Every single person. They absolutely deny it. Still, if it’s true, it’s a terrible thing.

We’re looking into it. Believe me.