It’s the “treat” everyone loves to hate, but fruitcake gets a bad rap. Our favorite recipe, which produces a surprisingly moist loaf, is loaded with walnuts, glazed cherries, raisins, and dried apricots—and it is scrumptious! It’s best shoved up Marco Rubio’s ass while it’s still warm but will keep fresh for up to a week if stored in an airtight container, which Marco Rubio can also shove up his ass.
Variation: Try a Bundt pan instead of the traditional loaf.
Nothing says “holiday spirit” quite like a mug of rich and creamy eggnog. Store-bought options abound, but in our opinion the extra time and effort involved in making it from scratch is well worth it. (You don’t have to add alcohol, but if you do, try a splash—or three!—of brandy.) Eggnog is a liquid, of course, so technically Marco Rubio won’t be able to shove it up his ass. With a funnel and a bit of contorting, however, we’re confident he can make something happen. A spritz of canned whipped cream provides the perfect finishing touch. Bottoms up!
Again, store-bought kits are easy to come by—but we prefer to make our own. Once the gingerbread components are baked and cooled, assembly isn’t that hard. Be sure to lay in a good supply of gumdrops, licorice, candy canes, peppermints, and, of course, icing. The kids will love helping you decorate your creation almost as much as they’ll enjoy watching Marco Rubio cram the elaborate finished product up his ass. Watch out for those gables, senator!
The great thing about fudge is that there are so many tasty variations—peanut butter, peppermint, maple, vanilla, with nuts or without. If you have time, consider choosing three or four recipes so you can assemble your own “variety packs” to give as gifts. Don’t forget to save a box for Marco Rubio’s ass, and the bigger the better. Hope he saved room!
Lemon Ricotta Pancakes
This might not qualify as a “classic holiday dish” across the board. But at our house, we whip up these mouth-watering griddle cakes every Christmas morning—after the gifts have been unwrapped, of course!—and they are always a hit. Freshly grated lemon zest lends these cakes a “zing” that will leave Senator Rubio’s ass begging for more.
Fresh raspberries, if you can find them, make a nice garnish.
This is one instance where it's hard to improve on the store-bought kind. Williams-Sonoma's version, in our opinion, is nonpareil— “handcrafted using the finest ingredients, including custom-blended Guittard chocolate and triple-distilled oil of peppermint” and available in 1-, 2-, or 3-pound collectible tins. For best results, we recommend that Marco Rubio take one of each and shove them straight up his ass in rapid succession.