Literature’s Greatest Magazine Pitches

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BY MARK REMY

Dear Editor,

I awoke one morning from uneasy dreams and found myself transformed in my bed into an enormous insect.  

I would like to write a 1,500-word piece for your publication that explores this surreal metamorphosis: How does something like this happen? Is it more common than people think? (Find two more recent cases, and I can write a trend piece, ha ha.) What steps can your readers take to avoid this happening to them? Etc.

Of course, along the way I would share what it’s like to live day-to-day in my current state, from the serious (everyone has shunned me) to the lighthearted (you should see me trying to drive a stick shift).

Possible sidebars: Tips for telling your family you’ve become an enormous insect; Cockroach or dung beetle? How to determine exactly what sort of insect you’ve become; Unexpected benefits of transforming overnight into a “monstrous vermin” (e.g., I can eat anything).

I look forward to hearing from you!

Regards,

G. Samsa

p.s. Apologies for any typos. It is incredibly hard for me to use a traditional keyboard now. (Maybe a good intro for my story?)

Dear Editor,

“It is the beating of his hideous heart!"

That’s what the doctor declared when he finally pinpointed the awful pounding sound that had been driving him mad. It was indeed my heart. I was relieved to finally have a diagnosis, but I was also worried. How could someone as young—and as seemingly fit—as me be suffering from heart palpitations?

Well, it turns out that this condition is surprisingly common, even among healthy people. And palpitations are usually harmless—unless they’re accompanied by a few telltale signs. (Spoiler: If you’re also experiencing dizziness or chest pain, see a doc!)

I would like to write an 800-word article for your publication that explores this potentially life-or-death issue. Or something about ravens. I’m flexible.

Interested?

Cheers,

E.A. Poe

Dear Editor,

I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. 

I did not go to the woods to learn how to bake restaurant-quality pizza “off the grid,” but I did—and I would love to write about this delicious discovery for your publication. 

Without giving too much away, let me just say that my method involves a cast iron skillet, an open fire with a metal grate, and a desire to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life. (Cold beer optional but highly recommended!) Add a rustic cabin and a sky full of stars, and the results are transcendent.

I see this as a quick and breezy 500-word piece, with step-by-step instructions, tips, and plenty of gorgeous, gooey shots of the pizza itself. Possible sidebars: The best cast iron pans at three price points; What your choice of toppings says about you and your relationship to the material world; Five beers that pair well with campfire pizza.

Let me know what you think.

Yours,

H.D. Thoreau

Dear Editor,

Some years ago—never mind how long precisely—having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me on shore, I thought I would sail about a little and see the watery part of the world.

What I saw could fill a book… or, better yet, a feature article for your publication. Long story short: My story is all about whales and the whaling industry.

Or is it?

Intrigued? Call me!

—Ishmael

Dear Editor,

In my younger and more vulnerable years, my father gave me some advice that I’ve been turning over in my head ever since. "Whenever you feel like criticizing any one," he told me, "just remember that all the people in this world haven't had the advantages that you've had.”

I didn’t understand what he meant when he first uttered those words, and I still don’t.

Anyway, I would love to produce an article about vintage European race cars for your publication. Or perhaps a photo essay. I think your readers would really enjoy it.

I own several vintage European race cars myself, and would be happy to supply photos.

Yours Truly,

J. Gatsby

Dear Editor,

Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.

I would like to write a 460,000-word article for your publication on this topic.

Cheers,

Leo T.

Dear Editor,

If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth.

Screw you and your phony publication.

—Holden C.