Curious George and the Failed Insurrection

BY MARK REMY

This is George. He was a good little monkey and always very curious.

Today George and the man with the red hat were going to the airport. They were riding on an airplane to Washington, D.C. What fun! George had never been to the nation’s capital before, but he knew it was an exciting place, full of historic institutions and satanic pedophiles, whatever those were. 

The flight was such a treat. They were high above the clouds, and George got his very own captain’s wings—just like the pilot! But the real thrills began after they landed and made their way to the National Mall. When they got there, George was amazed. There were lots of men in red hats—and even a few women!

But he was also confused. This mall didn’t look like the one back home. This mall was more like a park, and instead of stores it just had a few people selling T-shirts and flags with snakes.

The snakes frightened George. He took his friend’s hand and squeezed hard.

“It’s OK, George,” said the man with the red hat. “Those snakes can’t hurt you, unlike antifa.”

“Besides,” he said, “if we bump into any of our antifa friends, I’ll have a little something ready for them.”

The man with the red hat smiled and patted a bulge in his coat.

George felt better. He patted the coat, too.

Just then, another man with a red hat climbed onto a high platform and began to shout. He was angry. Soon, George felt angry, too. Very angry. He wanted to smash something! But what? 

The little monkey looked east. He saw a big, pretty building with a dome. It was the U.S. Capitol! Then he looked around him. He saw thousands of people, seething with rage and resentment. Finally, he looked on the ground and saw a discarded megaphone.

George was curious. Could he incite a seditious riot? He decided to find out.

In a flash, George grabbed the megaphone and darted through the crowd. Like only a monkey can, he scrambled up some scaffolding and onto the platform. The angry man was still there, but when he saw George he smiled.

“Well hello, there,” said the man. “Are you lost?”

George leapt onto his shoulders and took a selfie. Snatching the man’s red hat and placing it on his own head, George surveyed the crowd and felt a rush. It was like that time he was a bad little monkey and drank a pitcher of banana daiquiris, only with more rage.

George screeched into the megaphone, howling and shrieking like only a monkey can.

The men with the red hats roared. They loved George. They thought his speech was the most powerful distillation of their movement that they had ever heard. In the blink of an eye, they were all marching toward the Capitol.

What happened next was bad. Very bad. 

George had regrets.

By the time George and the man with the red hat got back to their hotel room, a lot of people were very upset. While the man with the red hat double-locked the door and shaved his beard, the little monkey checked Twitter.

George was curious. Would he face consequences for his actions? 

He would!

Social media was flooded with posts calling the men with the red hats traitors and terrorists. And George was being singled out—the selfie he posted earlier had gone viral, and he had lost his lucrative book contract. 

George felt worse than ever. But his bad mood didn’t last long. The next morning, at the airport, a nice lady at the counter told the man with the red hat that he and George were on a list. A special list for people who got to take the train!

That would be fun. George loved trains.